...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
