Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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