FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
