K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
