why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
