i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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