Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
