What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
