So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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