All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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