Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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