I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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