To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
