I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
