when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
