Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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