I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
