Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
