He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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