I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex