Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.