My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
