fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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