I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
