cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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