How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
