My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Randomize
