I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
