i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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