Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
