Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
