Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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