i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
