i'm signing you up for texting rehab
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You may now shotgun with the bride
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
