I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
