I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
