Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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