Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
