I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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