so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
