I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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