I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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