I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
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