ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
