eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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