I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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