if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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