I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
