My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.