i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.