i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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