At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
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These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
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So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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