Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
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This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
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