Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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