for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
How drunk are you?
Completed.
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